Insomnia

A lot has happened this week and I haven't been sleeping well and am extremely sleepy and tired today.

I have been trying to finish up my portfolio for my internship where I had to put in 120 clock hours of feld experiences and compile it all into book form type of presentation- it has been very time consuming and it was due today and I am still not completely finished. Out of 14 focus areas, I still have three areas that I have not finished.

Also, as a special educator, we are submerged and inundated with paperwork up to our eyelashes this time of year. All that paperwork (an average of about 25 pages for each student). This is all due today. I am not even near completion with it.

I also have a final that is due by today. We are having field day at our school today which is going to be exhausting because we have to carry all of our children and actually do the activities with them. I feel worthless because I am unable to lift due to the breast surgery and the bum arm. So a lot of help I'll be...

Also, I know it is totally stupid to allow a tv show to upset a person but I, like the rest of the world was blown away and shocked with Chris Daughtry being voted out on American Idol. But after the initial shock and a lot of thinking, here is my thought on the whole situation: I think this may have been the best thing that could have happened to his career. He won't be labeled as The American Idol, or the runner up or the one who only got his start as a reality tv winner. He will have succeeded on his own, just from being good at what he does and having a wonderful God given talent. I truly think that he will probably be more successful with his career than the three finalists. Time will only tell. According to radio, he will be the next lead singer for Fuel when his AI contract is over next year. I predict that he will sell more ablums than probably all the other three combined for the sheer fact that people were robbed of hearing/seeing him perform for the last two weeks of the show. I may be wrong- its only an opinion. I am not going to stop watching AI though because it is a tv show that allows the public to vote. If we wanted Chris to win, we should have voted more. We didn't, so now we have to support the next favorite. Just shows you on a show like this that we can't be complacent and think it is "in the bag" or a "given".

I'd like to say that those are the only things that have been keeping me awake at night, but there is more. I had something happen to me this week that has affected me greatly and I am unable to talk to anyone about it. Its not a bad thing, really it is a wonderful thing that makes me a very lucky and blessed person-but something that has truly affected the way I think and feel about my life, my future and my past. Even those who are closest to me would not understand and would probably scrutinize my feelings on this and tell me not to think the way I am...I can't go into it further. But I truly believe in fate and that what will be, will be. I know these things have happened for a reason and that everything will be fine...

Another thing that has happened involves a dear person in my life. I never had living grandfathers coming up and always "adopted" some for my own. This elderly couple in my church became like a serogate set of grandparents for me. They are so sweet and my life was made better just by knowing them. They have both been very ill, the little wife had a stroke and is a hemiplegic and her sweet husband has cared for her ever since. Just the love he shows to her makes me want to grow old with a person who loves me so profoundly. Here within the last year or so, both of their health has been declining, and he has been in and out of the hospital. I saw them at church Easter morning and they looked so good. That hug was the last one I got from Mr. Doug. He gave up last night and took his own life in his own home in front of his own wife. A gun. It was awful and I just can't imagine what came over him. He must have not been in his right mind. Surely he wasn't. My heart is sick that he would do that to sweet Mrs. C. Why would this happen? What is going to happen to his soul? Will Mrs. C be able to care for herself, be able to go in her home again. Will she blame herself? Will she give up too? Will someone take care of her? My heart is truly breaking. I feel all numb inside and I am angry too. Why would he do this to her? to himself? to his children? to his friends? to us?

I can understand that he couldn't take the pain and sickness anymore. I know that sometimes you just want to give up and check out of this world and go live with our Heavenly Father where there is no more pain and suffering, but why did it have to be so violent and in the presence of his sweet, fragile wife? So many questions.

This event has also added to my previous dilemma which is not really a dilemma but i don't know how else to describe it.

So I have had a total of about 4 or 5 hours of sleep per night. Studmuffin has been out of town since Monday and will be home today. My husband is not a party animal and is pretty much a homebody who would much rather be on the couch watching a good movie than partying, bar hopping, etc. In fact, other than working on cases, he's never been to a bar- even when I've tried to get him to go listen to one of my favorite bands and sit and sip a brewsky and maybe slow dance a time or to. Well, he's never been in one until this week. It seems that one of his coworkers has drug him along to probably every club on the strip, strip clubs, pool halls, etc. Oh, to hear him tell it, he is just going along to be sociable and to be the designated driver, but I have to admit that it makes me a tad bit jealous. I guess not jealous really, just dissappointed that he would go out with this person, whom I think is a bad influence anyhow - but don't get me started on that... and not go do it with his own wife. He thought it was all amusing, watching this particular person acting like a fool and a teenager as a grown man. Studmuffin fully admits that he doesn't know what the coworker gets out of it- that he is too old for all that crap. I know my husband and know he would never do anything stupid or be unfaithful and he really needed a break but...so I'm not jealous or fearful in that area. He is probably the most faithful man I know. So, really, I don't know what the but is... so I'll stop there.

So I am in a wierd place today. Sad because of the tragedy, peaceful and hopeful because of the other event and overwhelmed because of all the deadlines and workload.

Can a heart be full and be breaking at the same time? Can a heart be overwhelmed with love and still be empty too? Is fate real? Does things truly happen for a reason when you least expect it? Sorry for the novel, but I had a lot on my mind and heart this morning.

Have a great weekend.
Adiós mis amigos.