A Sad Goodbye but on to a Brand New Day

Well, after this past week and all the plethora of emotions myself and many friends have experienced, it is time for a brand new day and the beginning of healing. But first, I have to say a few things to get them off my chest.

First of all, Friday was Dustin's visitation and boy was I NOT prepared for all the people I saw, many for the first time in 17 to 18 years. Many things went through my mind and heart and though I have long moved on and am now in a committed happy marriage, I was surprised at some of the emotions I had. I saw an old boyfriend whom I will always adore (but know without a doubt in my mind that we would have never made it in a million years- too different, with totally different priorities)and he and another friend recently were married. They make a really cute couple and both look very happy. That makes me happy for them. That's all I ever wanted for him. Though I have to admit, that seeing all the old "crew" made me go back to an earlier time, like 1986 and 87 and boy I felt really old and boy, I was so stupid back then.

I also saw the sperm donor yesterday at the funeral. Can you believe that he had the nerve to give me his phone number to give to my 17 year old son? Has bought him ONE pair of blue jeans in 17 years- so why would he want to start acting like he cares now? That's okay though. When I told M that he gave him his phone number for him to call and that he wanted him to come to work with him, my baby boy surprised me by saying, "He didn't have time for me the last 17 years, I don't need him now- I'm doin just fine on my own." You go boy! But I know deep down that he feels abandoned and rejected= and rightfully so. Too many memories. Too much hurt. Didn't really want to go there, but I did have a lot to say to him and did utilize that opportunity to make my feelings known to the sperm donor, but still a part of me, the forgiving part of me forgives him for being such a worthless shit.

And the last part I want to vent about- Dustin's funeral was absolutely a beautiful tribute to him, the rocker, the drum player, the wild one- except for a very important, vital part.... He was dressed in blue jeans,a black tee shirt and a button up. Had engraved drumsticks in his hand and an embroidered drum set with Dustin Glen Roper in the top part of the coffin. Beautiful and very appropriate for him. The service opened with one of his band members and close friend singing "Amazing Grace" acupella. Profound. Then another band member wrote a song/poem for him and his family (a wife and 3 little boys)that he read aloud. Touching, heartwrenching. Then sang a song that only a rocker would appreciate, but us young ones got it. The older folk didn't. Then comes the most self centered, uncompassionate hour long "get right or get left" Sunday Morning sermon you have ever heard - which never mentioned Dustin, his wife or his family and their grief. Never told of a time where Dustin touched lives, even though there were 300 or more there to pay their respects. He ends the "sermon" by basically stating that he felt Dustin was probably in hell and that was between him and God. He didn't leave much for the imagination and we were all dumbfounded at his accusation. He didn't know him and didn't know his heart or what relationship he had with our Lord. How judgmental of he to do that, in front of Dustin's young children.

But at the gravesite services, Dustin's dad did make his feelings known, that he felt that Dustin had touched many lives and left a profound affect on may throughout his short life and was in the biggest band in heaven right now. I feel that is true. He said he couldn't let his boy go out like that- and had to speak his mind. Thank you Mr. D, we all needed that!!!!

I know Angie, Michael, Devin and Jared, will need many prayers and support during this time in their lives but I know our God will comfort them and keep them in his securing arms and help them through. God, I just can't imagine having S one minute and the next, just vanished from my life forever. Oh my, it makes my heart break all over.

Anyhow, with this week pressing on my mind, I have decided that I am so unprepared for the future and S and I must make many preparations, given our family's situation as it is. It makes things so much more difficult with N and R having lost their mother and so there are so many dynamics that we are left to deal with. But we will persevere and we will get organized and prepared. Things to do: will, power of attorney, safety deposit box, life insurance policies documented....many other things, I'm sure.

On a brighter note, though, I did get to see my good friend Beth today. Okay, most of you know her as Marybeth over at Ramblings of a Southern Goddess. We have been friends since high school but live a couple of hours apart and lost touch for quite a while, but recently have reconnected and I look forward to reading her blog every day, when she writes.... Anyhow, we got to do a quick lunch today, and when I say quick, it was like, get in, scarf it down, chat and go - all in 30 minutes. I had driven the kids down to put a flower arrangement and birthday balloons on their mother's grave. We also went to see their stepfather and half brother. We ended up in a "photo shoot" with the kids and the steps (me, their step father and his wife- how odd). Luckily we all get along well and they are very nice people. He was never the problem, but I will not speak ill of the deceased....

Okay, Beth, I have written you a novel to read. By the way, it was great to see you and A, even though it was quick. I am going to hold you to your promise during the Thanksgiving holidays. With me having my surgery Nov 3rd, I'll be off and rested. I'll have to fix some good venison- but won't tell A what it is...haha.

Oh, by the way- my dad was diagnosed with a very large aortic aneurysm that has to be taken care of and if they can't do it through the groin, they will have to open up from sternum to - well I guess you get the picture. Please say a prayer for him that he will do just fine and it will be a minor procedure. He is 82 and wants to go deer hunting this season. Please pray that my daddy is okay and up and slayin deer before no time.

An special note to B and J. If I never see you again, know that I love you and cherish all the memories I have made with you. J, you are my sister of the heart and I appreciate you always being there for me. Through good times and bad, we have made it through, always better than before. And B, it doesn't matter where we leave off, it always seems that we pick right up, like it was just yesterday... you will always be very special to me.

Sorry, didn't mean to get sappy, just didn't want to miss a chance and regret not telling you what you mean to me.

And now, hoping for a brand new day...........................